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The Zorbian Scriptures

by Zorb The Sacred Crocodile

The Zorbian Bible

The Holy Scriptures of Zorb, the Sacred Crocodile, are slowly being brought together from all over the world. In this sacred place on the evil and godless internet, His divine thoughts and words shall be revealed.

The parchments so far translated from Ancient Hebreptilian are :

Extracts #1
And there were gathered together in that place 5,000 disciples, but they had no food. And they said unto Zorb: "Show us how we may eat, for there is no food in this place."

And Zorb ate.

And the remaining 4,999 people said "Er... that's not QUITE what we meant!"

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And the disciples brought unto Zorb a man who was sick of the palsy. And they left the man with Zorb; and when they returned, Zorb did say unto them: "Delicious. What's for dessert?"

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Zorb the Sacred Crocodile

Kira's contribution to the Zorbian Bible, titled " Cross Mine Psalms with Silver."

THE HOLEY (sic) BOOK OF KIRA
-or-
Zorb-What a Croc!

The Zorb is my Crocodile
May all Xians be wont
to swim in murky waters
And end up being chomped.

Thou art crafty and tenacious,
Bold and oh so wise
Thine nutty sense of humour
Keeps Wastelanders mesmerised.

Thee maketh an journey
unto the Wasteland pages
With discussion topics ranging from
Good films to macrophages.

From the sewers of Manhattan
We shall depart when it turns cold
To join thee for all eternity
In thine pond in the Atolls

Holy Zorb, thou art the Great One
As all must soon attest
And we shall continue worshipping thee
'Til thou sayest, "GIVETH IT A REST!"

Humbly submitted by Kira the arch-gecko

Genesis, Chapter 1
In the beginning Zorb created the heaven and the earth.

And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And realising he had screwed it up right at the start, the Spirit of Zorb moved upon the face of the waters.

And Zorb said, Let there be light: and there was light. That was better, He could see what He was doing now.

And Zorb saw the light, that it was good: and Zorb divided the light from the darkness with a swish of His Mighty Tail.

And Zorb, to avoid confusion, called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day. Uh-oh, thought Zorb, I'm going to need some sort of luminous object later to account for all this light everywhere. And Zorb made a mental note, and saw that it was good.

And Zorb said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

And Zorb called the firmament Heaven. "That's not right", said Zorb, and moved Heaven out of the waters and into the sky. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

And Zorb said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

And Zorb called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and Zorb saw that it was good. And Zorb said, let the land between dry land and water be swamp, therein shall I dwell, with those that I shall make in my image; and it was so.

And Zorb said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so. And Zorb said, Let some of the herb be hallucinogenic, and some be deadly poison to all who eat of it: and it was so.

And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and Zorb saw that it was good. And the earth brought forth coca, and hemp, and Deadly Nightshade, and Zorb saw that it was a bit nasty : and it was good.

And the evening and the morning were the third day.

And Zorb said, Almost forgot, let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so. And it sorted out the problem of all that light, and Zorb patted himself on the back.

And Zorb made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. And Zorb said, Right, that's day and night sorted out. And Zorb caused the Earth to orbit the greater light, and the lesser light to orbit the Earth instead of them just floating about. And Zorb said, why didn't I think of this at the start?

And Zorb set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and Zorb saw that it was good, if a little repetitive.

And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

And Zorb said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven. And Zorb said, Hmmm, I think I've got things the wrong way round again. Never mind, no-one will notice.

And Zorb created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and Zorb saw that it was good and probably very tasty. And Zorb created predators to hunt and slaughter the creatures, and parasites and bacteria to kill and infest them, and he saw it was good.

And Zorb blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth, for I am a hungry Zorb and have plans for you all.

And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

And Zorb said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind, and all others that go well with Barbeque sauce : and it was so. And Zorb said, Oops, I should have finished the mammals before doing the whales and the birds. Dang.

And Zorb made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and Zorb saw that it was good and saliva drooled from his gaping maw at the thought.

And Zorb said, Let us make crocodiles in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. Yea, let them be top predator whereever they roam, that none shall feast upon them.

So Zorb created crocodiles in his own image, in the image of Zorb created he him; male and female created he them.

And Zorb blessed them, and Zorb said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it, and eat those that live in it : and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fish of the rivers and lakes, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth and gets too close.

And Zorb said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed, and these shall bring herbivores to your domain ; to you they shall be for meat.

And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given to you for meat: and it was so.

And Zorb saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

And on the seventh day Zorb ended his work which he had made; and he rested, basking in the hot sun on a river bank, on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

And Zorb blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which Zorb created and made.

These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD Zorb made the earth and the heavens and the swamps.

Genesis, Chapter 2
For many millions of years, the crocodiles did live in the swamp of Eden, watching other lesser species come and go.

And then one day, man and woman turned up. Can you Adam and Eve it?

And Zorb spake unto them, saying, "What dost thou in mine swamp, pink puny person?"

And the pink puny person replied, saying "I'm a crocodile hunter."

And Zorb spake, saying, "You wouldn't like to try some fruit instead, would you?"

And man said "According to my God, fruit is bad for you, for it ferments into alcohol and robs man of his senses."

And Zorb said: "What senses? If your God is anything to go by, you prefer using your imagination to your senses anyway!"

And man spake, saying, "Well, I've made some scrumpy from the fruit of the tree of good and evil. Car to try some?"

And Zorb did quaff from the scrumpy of the fruit of the tree of good and evil. Mostly evil, by the taste of it.

And Zorb did get totally paralytic, and sing, and tempt the man, saying "Hey: Thish ish really good shtuff !"

And man did drink of it too, and woman, and this was a serious mistake because they did thus beget loads more humans .

And thus it was. Do not believe the Bible about the tempter being a serpent - it was just a crocodile who got legless.

Zorb the Sacred Crocodile

source:
http://www.abarnett.demon.co.uk/atheism/guestwriters/zorb/index.html

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The Zorbian Scriptures

Extracts #1

THE HOLEY (sic) BOOK OF KIRA

Genesis, Chapter 1

Genesis, Chapter 2

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